The new football lingo

We Interrupt This Important Message to Bring You a Football Game

By Dottie Rockel

Good afternoon sports fans. This is Bruce Barker of CVG-TV here with my colleagues Guy Decker and Travis Hatch to bring you this exciting championship football game between the Middletown Maulers and the Oxford Otters. Here we are at PNC stadium in Mason, Ohio with the Perkins Pancake play by play of the game.

These two teams have fought hard to be here today but after an exciting finish in the final seconds of last week’s game the Maulers showed us what they were made of when they overcame the Trenton Tigers in the last seconds of the game to win it all.

Billy Axton of THE Toledo University inched the ball across the Garmin goal line just at the final Budweiser buzzer to eke out a Delta Airlines victory for the Maulers. By getting into the Exxon end zone with just two seconds left on the Timex clock the Maulers won the Subway semifinals snatching a Victoria’s Secret victory from the jaws of a Daimler-Chrysler defeat.

Our game today is about to get underway. The Otters have won the Tractor Supply coin toss and have chosen to receive the King’s Auto Mall kickoff from the Maulers. The receiver will await the kickoff in the Best Buy backfield. The kick is up and Randy Reno of THE Brestler School of Design has signaled for a Red Roof Inn fair catch. Oops. The ball has gone over his head and bounces into the KFC end zone. It will be brought out to the Subway twenty yard line for a Target touchback.

The teams are lined up on the Subway twenty. There’s the Century 21 snap but wait a minute. The ref blows his Wonder Bra whistle. The offensive tackle Bart Braxton of THE Wallace College was lined up offsides. That will be a Ford five yard penalty taking the Otters back to their Flomax fifteen yard line.

The teams are lined up on the Flomax fifteen. The quarterback Mitch Miller of THE Carson University hands the ball off to his running back Rico Suave of THE Mexico City School of Science who breaks a tackle advancing for seven yards to the Ralston Purina twenty two. He was tackled by Sam Smothers of THE Central State College.

It’s third and eight. They’re lined up again at the Ralston Purina twenty two. There’s the Sysco snap to Miller. He looks like he’s handing the ball off to his running back but it’s an AFLAC fake. Miller throws the Heart Guard Hail Mary pass to his tight end Dennis Draper of THE Akron State College. He takes it down the Centrum sidelines into the All State end zone and puts six points up on the Safeco scoreboard.

There’s the Geico point after touchdown.

We will take a short break to bring you some important messages from six or seven of our sponsors but don’t go away. You won’t want to miss the Auto Zone first half action or our exciting Hawaiian Punch halftime show.


Dottie Rockel is a humorist, moderator of the Monday Morning Writers Group, a dog lover and expert on therapy dogs. You may learn more about therapy dogs at her web site, below.

Visit Dottie Rockel's web site about therapy dogs.

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